Prompt
“Good morning, how can I help you?” “This is a robbery.” “I’m sorry, we don’t offer that.”
Response
I pulled myself out of bed at the sound of my alarm. I tried, in vain, to rub the sleepiness out of my eyes.
“Another fuckin’ day..”
I murmured to myself as I got up to get dressed. I had to step around piles of laundry and other items in my room. It was a mess. I should clean it.. but I just didn’t have the motivation to.
I tried to remember what I was dreaming about as I brushed my teeth. It had been a good dream, I think. Well, it had to be, because it wasn’t reality. If I knew anything, it’s that reality was a bitch.
A short walk later, I arrived at my place of employment. A grocery store. I was a cashier. Not by choice. Life had chewed my optimistic, college graduate self up and spit me out. This job made me want to smack my head against the wall, but my rent wasn’t going to pay itself.
Well, neither was this job, really. My parents have been covering half the rent for a while now. I wonder if they thought about what a failure their son was every time they sent that transfer. Anyway. Time for work.
About an hour into my shift, something out of the ordinary happened and, this time, it wasn’t a smelly, homeless person masturbating in the bread aisle. Thank goodness.
“Good morning, how can I help you?”
I asked the man that was now in front of me, dressed sketchy as all hell. He had walked into the store and straight to my register without picking up any items and, on top of that, he had skipped the line. I didn’t give a shit, but Ms. Norris, an old lady regular, was scowling.
“This is a robbery.”
The man said very quick and in a low voice, looking around the store after he said it like he thought rifles would pop out of nowhere and blast him.
“Sorry, we don’t offer that.”
I really didn’t want to deal with this, I started to motion for Ms. Norris to put her stuff on the belt when the man spoke again.
“I wasn’t asking, punk.”
I looked back toward him to see his hand in his jacket, pointing it at me in what, I guess, he thought was a threatening gesture.
“If you don’t want to meet God, then I suggest you-”
“I don’t really believe in God.”
I interrupted him which seemed to throw him off a bit.
“Uh.. okay, well if you don’t want to get buried-”
“I’m more of a cremation guy.”
“Fine! If you don’t want to get burnt-”
“At this point, sure why not.”
“What the fuck is wrong with you, dude?”
“Honestly, quite a bit.”
“I’m trying to rob you. Give me the money-”
“Well, technically-”
“Oh for fuck’s sake.”
“-you aren’t robbing me, you are robbing the store. I could care less, honestly. They’re like a billion dollar company, they probably don’t give a shit either.”
“Great, then open the register and I’ll go.”
“Well-”
“God dammit.”
“-I either need to call a manager, which I don’t think you want, or I need to ring something up.”
“Fine!”
He pushed the cart Ms. Norris had been nudging up to the register back, which she did not appreciate, and grabbed a stick of gum. He threw it at me.
“There.”
“You sure you don’t want the watermelon flavor? It’s on clearance. Practically a steal at its price.”
I scanned the gum, clicked a few buttons on the register and the till popped open. I leisurely gathered up all the cash that it was holding, which wasn’t much.
“Did.. did you just make a robbery joke?”
The man had a flabbergasted look on his face as I handed him the money in the drawer. Honestly, probably not any more than a few hundred dollars.
“I could literally shoot you, you know that, right?”
“Honestly..”
I mumbled as Ms. Norris once again was pushing her cart forward and clearing her throat very loudly.
“If you do make sure I die, I can’t afford the medical bills if I survive.”
“That’s.. fucked up, dude.”
The man left, shaking his head.
Ms. Norris was really not happy by the time I rang up all of her groceries. She was even more huffy when she tried to pay in cash and I told her I had to call a manager cause I was just robbed.
“Kids these days.. don’t know how to work hard and be responsible.”
She mumbled as I picked up the phone and dialed for a manager. After a few rings, my manager’s voice came from the other end.
“If it’s Ms. Norris again, just give her the discount, man. I literally do not care.”
“No. Well, yeah, it’s her, but I need some cash.”
“What? Why?”
“A guy just walked in and robbed me, so I don’t have any cash in the-”
“YOU WERE WHAT?!”